So you’ve got twelve bucks and the judgment of a concussed raccoon. Welcome to the club. There’s no membership card, but there is a hangover that’ll make you question the existence of a merciful god. Let’s Talk About Rock Bottom’s Basement You know that moment in the liquor store when you’re doing the math? Not…
So you typed this into Google. That’s… wow. That’s a search query that made the algorithm question its entire existence. Somewhere in Silicon Valley, a data analyst just quit their job rather than explain this trend to their manager. Look, everyone’s gotten weird with their cooking lately. That sourdough starter you named Bradley? Sure. The…
So you want to fry bacon without the benefit of eyeballs? Fantastic. You’re about to join an elite group of people who cook bacon the way it was meant to be cooked – with actual skill instead of just staring at it like it owes you money. Your Senses Are Better Than You Think (Except…
Spicy Foods to Avoid While Having Diarrhea: A Survival Guide for Your Already Angry Intestines So you’re reading this from the bathroom. Don’t even try to deny it. The State of Things Right now, your digestive system is basically a broken water park slide that nobody asked for. You’ve memorized every crack in the bathroom…
Alright, let’s do this. You’re googling “McDonald’s hemorrhoids safe food” at 11:47 PM because your ass feels like it’s hosting a volcano convention and you still want nuggets. This is rock bottom with a side of fries. Nobody prepared you for this moment. Not your parents. Not school. Definitely not Ronald McDonald, who’s somewhere laughing…
There’s a bottle of ranch in your fridge right now that expired during the Trump administration. The first one. You’re gonna eat it. This is not a judgment. This is a fact. Because at 11:47 PM next Tuesday, you’ll be standing there in your questionable pajamas, fridge door wide open (RIP your electric bill), and…