How to Legally Marry a Rotisserie Chicken: A Comprehensive Guide for the Romantically Adventurous Alright. You’re here. Reading this. At whatever ungodly hour you’ve chosen to question every life decision that brought you to this moment. That rotisserie chicken at Costco? The one spinning slowly under those heat lamps like a golden brown stripper working…
A Totally Scientific Guide to Pharmaceutical Amnesia So here you are. 3:47 AM. Staring at the ceiling fan that’s been making that weird clicking noise for six months because fixing it was “their job.” You’ve tried everything. Counted sheep until they formed a class action lawsuit. Downloaded seventeen meditation apps that all sound like someone…
So they’re gone and their stuff isn’t. You know what’s wild? Everyone acts like you’re supposed to just… box everything up nicely. Ship it back. Be the bigger person. These people have clearly never found their ex’s “emergency” deodorant stashed behind the toilet at 3 AM and contemplated whether throwing it at the moon counts…
So you and your partner got caught doing crimes together. How romantic! Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like “till the feds do us part” but here you are, still together, just with matching ankle accessories that beep when you try to get the mail. Your vacation radius? 47 feet from the front…
Disclaimer: This is satire. If you actually do this, you deserve whatever kitchen appliance gets embedded in your skull. You googled this. You sat down at your computer, presumably sober, and typed these words in this order. Somewhere, a marriage counselor just felt a chill run down their spine and doesn’t know why. No. Just……
She’s explaining why the way you loaded the dishwasher is an act of domestic terrorism and you’re wondering if Van Gogh had the right idea about ears. 1. Cotton Balls Soaked in Pure Denial Standard cotton balls are for amateurs who still have hope. You need cotton balls that have been marinating in a brine…
