Blue lights. That specific shade of oh-shit-blue that makes your sphincter achieve dimensions previously only theorized by quantum physicists. And there you are, sitting in your Honda Civic that still has the “Baby on Board” sticker from the previous owner (there’s no baby, you just thought it might make cops go easier on you), trying…
Alright, let’s address the worm in the room. You’ve got a tapeworm. Maybe you got it from that sketchy sushi place where the health grade was somehow a “C-“. Maybe it was that backpacking trip through Southeast Asia where you thought you were being “adventurous” with street food. Maybe—and this is the worst possibility—it was…
Right, so everyone’s walking around acting like their Myers-Briggs type is a medical diagnosis. “Sorry, can’t come to your party, it would drain my INTJ energy.” Meanwhile, you’re over here with an ACTUAL medical diagnosis and suddenly you’re the weird one? Make it make sense. Look, Jessica’s been telling everyone she’s an empath for three…
Therapy costs $200 an hour and they make you talk about your mother. Know what’s free? Absolutely destroying Gerald’s will to live while he checks receipts at the door. The Beautiful Truth About Walmart Greeters These people have ascended. They’ve witnessed the collapse of human civilization one returned birthday cake at a time. You think…
The Fastest Ways to Gain Weight to Get Type 2 Diabetes: A Guide for Overachievers Disclaimer: This is satire. Obviously. If you actually do this stuff, that’s on you. Ever look at your functioning pancreas and think, “This is too easy”? Yeah, you’re not alone. While everyone else is spiralizing zucchini and pretending it’s pasta…
How to Legally Marry a Rotisserie Chicken: A Comprehensive Guide for the Romantically Adventurous Alright. You’re here. Reading this. At whatever ungodly hour you’ve chosen to question every life decision that brought you to this moment. That rotisserie chicken at Costco? The one spinning slowly under those heat lamps like a golden brown stripper working…