Okay so. This is happening. You’re reading this because somewhere, deep in your gut (next to all that questionable Taco Bell), you already know the truth. You just need someone else to say it out loud. Your wife is a bean burrito. Not like, metaphorically. She’s an actual bean burrito that somehow passed a background…
Your hair gel’s dead. That pomade you bought from the guy with the handlebar mustache? Empty. The “sculpting putty” that cost more than your weekly groceries? Gone. There’s lard in your fridge though. And honestly? That’s all you need. Lard Is Just Hair Gel That You Can Also Fry Chicken With Every single hair product…
Someone just microwaved fish in the office. At 8:47 AM. This isn’t just a smell anymore – it’s an entity. It has consciousness. Pretty sure it just filed a W-2. And you? You’re standing there calculating whether “assault with a deadly halibut” is an actual charge while Derek from accounting cheerfully eats his breakfast like…
Alright. Let’s get one thing straight. That macramé plant holder you made last Christmas? The one that looked like a drunk spider’s web? Your sister still has nightmares about it. And that “rustic” picture frame held together by what can only be described as an ungodly amount of hot glue and false hope? It’s currently…
15 Things Pawn Shops Won’t Buy (No Matter How Desperately You Need Gas Money) Rent’s due. Your bank account looks like a typo. And suddenly that pile of “collectibles” in your garage is looking less like junk and more like your ticket to solvency. Hold up. Before you load up the minivan with your life’s…
That tickle in your nose? It doesn’t negotiate. It doesn’t care about timing. It definitely doesn’t care about your reputation. And yet society keeps pretending sneezing is some kind of minor inconvenience. A little “achoo” and move on. Right? Wrong. Dead wrong. Because location matters, and some places are so spectacularly terrible for unleashing your…