Baby showers are a psychological experiment that got out of hand. Think about it. Someone decided that the best way to celebrate impending parenthood was to blindfold adults and make them sniff melted candy bars in diapers. And everyone just… went along with it? For DECADES? Actually, you know what? Sometimes throwing up at these…
Alright, so you picked up a tooth off the sidewalk. Just… let that sink in for a second. While everyone else was walking to Starbucks like normal members of society, you stopped, bent down, and grabbed what is essentially mouth shrapnel from a complete stranger. You’re now holding someone’s former chewing apparatus. Their enamel. Their…
Acceptable Situations for Soiling Yourself on Public Transit: A Comprehensive Guide Alright. We’re doing this. Nobody asked for this guide but here we are, staring into the abyss of humanity’s darkest moment, and the abyss is shaped like a subway car that smells like hot dog water and broken dreams. Let’s Establish the Ground Rules…
The Best Side Dishes That Go Great With Boogers: A Culinary Guide Nobody Asked For You pick your nose. Stop making that face. Scientists say 91% of adults do it and the other 9% are liars with exceptionally itchy nostrils they’re ignoring out of spite. The real question isn’t whether you do it. It’s whether…
Alright, so you’ve exhausted Tinder, Bumble made you cry, and your mom’s friend’s daughter turned out to be your therapist. Time to think outside the box. Or in this case, outside the industrial-sized vat of Thursday’s mystery stew. Welcome to the wildest dating strategy nobody asked for. Why Soup Kitchens Are Secretly Dating Gold Mines…
So you’ve decided to major in Applied Gold Digging with a minor in Strategic Emotional Manipulation? Congratulations. You’ve chosen the only career path where your performance review includes “ability to laugh at jokes about the Reagan administration” and “tolerance for erectile dysfunction medication side effects.” Look, somebody needs to tell you the truth about this…