Food is a subscription service you never signed up for. Think about it. Every single day, your body sends you notifications like some needy app. “Time to eat!” Ding. “You’re hungry!” Buzz. “Feed me or I’ll make you dizzy!” Alert after alert after alert. And unlike Netflix, you can’t just ignore the payment reminders until…
Alright, so you’ve gotten your hands on a time machine. And instead of using it for literally anything sensible—betting on sports, buying Apple stock in 1997, preventing your most embarrassing moments—you’ve decided to visit the one period in Earth’s history where everything larger than a breadbox wants to murder you. The Mesozoic Era. Home of…
So you found a lump. And now you’re three hours deep into WebMD, standing sideways in your bathroom mirror like you’re auditioning for a Picasso painting, convinced you have approximately 48 hours to live. Your browser history looks like a hypochondriac’s manifesto. You’ve already mentally distributed your belongings (your ex gets nothing, the cat gets…
It’s 7:23 PM and you just remembered. That virtual dinner date. The one where she’ll pretend to eat digital pasta while you pretend this counts as human connection. Problem is, the boys just started a ranked match and Derek finally got his mic fixed. Shit. The Thing About Dating Algorithms With Trust Issues Your AI…
You’ve been scammed your entire life. Not by Nigerian princes or crypto bros or that guy selling speakers out of a van. No, you’ve been scammed by something far more sinister: the two-eyed industrial complex that controls literally everything you buy. They think you won’t notice. They think you’ll just accept it. They think you’ll…
So apparently this is a thing now. People—actual human beings with jobs and mortgages—are out here telling other people to eat cigarette butts for hiccups. This is where we are as a species. NASA put a rover on Mars and yet somewhere, right now, someone’s googling “cigarette butt hiccup cure” with genuine intent. How Did…