7 Lies All Used Car Salesmen Tell (And Why You Should Run) Something needs to be said. Something that has plagued humanity since the first caveman tried to sell another caveman a slightly used wheel with “character marks.” You know the guy. Short-sleeve dress shirt tucked into pleated khakis. Handshake that’s somehow both too firm…
Nobody wakes up and chooses this life. One day you’re a functioning adult with a refrigerator full of actual food, and the next day you’re standing in front of a mechanical rectangle at 2 AM, trying to decide if Cheetos count as dinner. Life comes at you fast, and apparently it comes at you through…
You built a time machine. In your garage. Using YouTube tutorials and a microwave from 1987. And now you’re what—gonna leave Mr. Whiskers behind? The same cat who throws an existential crisis when you close the bathroom door? Good luck with that. 1. Pack Enough Treats to Prevent Temporal War Here’s what happens when you…
Look. Nobody talks about this. The bourbon community pretends asthmatics don’t exist. The asthma community pretends bourbon doesn’t exist. And somewhere in the forgotten middle sits a very specific group of lunatics clutching rescue inhalers in one hand and refreshing bourbon Twitter with the other, wondering why God chose violence on the exact morning Total…
Nobody asked for this. Literally zero people on this entire spinning rock woke up today and thought “finally, someone needs to expose the mime industrial complex.” That thought occurred to no one. And yet here we are. It’s some ungodly hour of the morning, the coffee gave up on doing its job ages ago, and…
Okay. Sit down. This is an intervention and you’re not going to like it. Six months ago you walked into that church basement thinking “this’ll be cute, little Wednesday night activity, win some grocery money, chat with the ladies, home by nine.” Just a quirky wholesome thing to do. A personality garnish. Now you own…